My days are tumbleweeds
They rustle by unnoticed, unseen
Dry, cracked, and dead
They forge on ahead
No particular purpose or destination
No relevance, import, or persuasion
Tumbling on in their monotonous dance
Moving, yet stagnant, and they do enhance
The sheer lack of meaning, character, and depth
Of one who uses these days inept
Yes, these days are tumbleweeds
Adrift and lost and wandering
I feel I’ve always been perceptive to guidance. I’ve always had a very clear path and known what I was meant to do. Right now, I do not and it’s honestly killing me. I’ve never felt more without a sense of worth or direction. I’m literally having the job market tell me I’m worthless. This “career change” was supposed to be a fallback. When you don’t have your fallback, you just, well, fall. Here are the current exchanges with me and the world/job market/God, what have you:
World: not the time for anyone to have a contracted teaching position
Me: really? that sucks. okay, I’ll sub and make connections which will benefit me when a job does come up.
World:Nope, actually they won’t matter at all.You’ve wasted all of your post-collegiate years.
Me: Ouch, that’s a hard blow to the ego. All right then, maybe I’ll just get whatever full time position is available like a secretary or something. It’s comfortable, I’m qualified to do it, and I’ll be making consistent money which is great.
World: Well you don’t have experience doing that, which means employers find you about as valuable as their favorite paperweight.
Me: You’re kidding.
World: I said their favorite.
Me: So what the fuck am I supposed to do?
World: You can have an office job, you’ll just be entry level because you don’t have any experience.
Me: But I finished school. That should count for something. What does entry level entail anyway?
World: It’s mostly people fresh out of high school. They need a day job while they go to college.
Me: But I’ve finished college. Shouldn’t that make me more valuable?
World: You don’t have experience
Me: …?? That makes absolutely no goddamn sense whatsoever.
World: Don’t know. I can tell you this: you’re not actually meant to do what I’ve told you you were meant to do this whole time. Nor will you ever be able to find a decent paying office job in the meantime. And none of your other jobs like subbing and tutoring will be consistent. Essentially, there’s no way to have your dream job, or a decent job to make enough money for any of your other dreams to come true. And your student loan payments are due btw. Why are you just laying on the couch like that?
There was a boy. With lanky limbs and silly laugh. A boy who, as I put on make up during Mrs. Dale’s math class in jr. high, warned me that the teacher was watching. Good looking out. As per usual at that age, even if you know someone only a little, you start corresponding with notes in class. Anything but doing the actual work. Via these notes, we discussed only the most vital of topics: classes we didn’t feel like going to, movies, trends, and the opposite sex.
This boy, Michael, only grew in his level of familiarity throughout high school. An integral part of my “group”. I loved his house and family, especially his mom, the picture of hospitality, with whom I would discuss cooking for hours. In his house, I watched Star Wars for the first time. In his house I sat snuggled with a blanket on the backyard and watched movies projected onto the garage wall. Across from his house, I jumped the fence to sneak into the school and ripped my new jeans in the process.
There was a time when I was very afraid. Senior year I was so happy, that I was terrified of losing a long term friend who had recently turned into much more. I was nervous that I would screw it up, as I always seemed to do, and then would not only lose my love, but the friend I had in the first place. I was afraid of the absoluteness and enormity of what I felt for this person. I had never experienced anything like it before. There were not many people I would discuss it with, but Michael was one exception. Throughout our high school years, Michael had taught me to swing dance, called my mom “Your Majesty”, was one of my favorite thrift store shopping partners, we had even been in a car accident together. He was now a dear friend and confidant. On senior ditch day, when our group of friends was in the middle of playing capture the flag, Michael and I walked the trail of Craig Park and discussed my relationship worries candidly. In his unflinchingly honest, kind nature, Michael told me that I was getting in my own way. I needed to give this relationship more of a chance and not let fear decide the fate of my love life.
Me and the long term friend turned lover have been together since then. 9 years. And are engaged to be married.
This boy, a seemingly inconsequential acquaintance initially, was missed during his two year stint in Idaho. We exchanged letters, which I still have, Trogdor doodles and all, envelopes with stamps depicting aliens, monkies, and things of that sort.
He loaned me chairs from his church so I could throw my annual Christmas dinner, gave me a copy of the coveted Schulze family cookbook for my birthday, helped my fiance pick out an amazing engagement ring and concoct an unforgettable proposal.
There is a boy. He is the best guy friend a girl could ask for. Though we were randomly thrown together in class, I know I was meant to grow up with him because he has turned into a life long friend who is very dear to me.
Today is your day
That is, the day where I think of you more than I usually try to
Your words are piranhas with blood stained teeth.
They’ve eaten so much and yet they’re still so hungry
Ravenous and biting,
Swarming in my head and biting, chomping at my rationality.
All that I know, all that I am, is going to drown in there with them.
Grasping for the surface with hand outreached,
Legs kicking wildly.
I try to speak to you, to tell you to stop
To tell you I’m suffocating in this intoxicated water
That I won’t be dragged down to the depths with you.
But I am so full of water that you don’t hear me,
Or don’t understand.
Soon I will stop gurgling altogether.
And I wonder if that’s what you wanted in the first place
Someone to drown with you. To exemplify only the most concrete empathy
And as vile as that consideration is,
It’s nowhere near as sickening as this nagging, tugging feeling in my gut.
The truth I know deep down but refuse to actually acknowledge;
That perhaps you are drowning yourself on purpose.
That you aren’t a lost victim of this riptide of apathy and you weren’t pounded under
By wave after wave of self neglect.
That perhaps you know exactly what you’re doing
You’re drowning out of fear. Your cowardice guarding you from attempting anything violent.
But dying you are. Master of your fate. Forever in control.
And that truth.
That keeps me awake at night. That makes me think I must be cold inside after all.
Is that if you do drown,
If you let this take you,
At least you would be at peace.
Time for lunch at school
Cheeto fingers on keyboard
Didn’t bring a spoon
How will I eat my yogurt?
I have to go pee
And really want a pepsi
I should make copies
Yet it’s not worth getting up
There’s too much mustard
Within my turkey sandwich
Well, that’s what I get
for trying out some new things
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